When You Fish Upon a Star.

Whoa, that sadness.

I didn’t realize how prepared I am to deal with Anya’s grief until she had a small angry outburst in front of several adults. I was dealing with her to get her into the car (a leaving transition-those are difficult for children “from hard places”, aside from being hard for her temperament) and as I looked around, four adults looked shocked and very uncomfortable-and they all know her. For a long time I have raised a family and had many friends and some of them, like Anya, for a lack of a better way to say it, are not good with emotions, both with their sheer existence and with dealing with them. For some reason, I guess by design in preparation for getting Anya, it is somewhat normal to me to have a person standing there, completely frustrated with what they are feeling and for me to have to tell them what it is. You are frustrated or you are sad, aren’t you? I guess that is why I was given all my life experiences, because what other crazy person could deal with this intensity of emotion Anya has, as if it were as normal as breathing.

I got her in the car, with “you can walk, I can carry you or (just to be really clear) there is a third, implied choice. I will carry you if you choose nothing.” It was literally translated so she understood and she chose to walk, after a terse comment was hurled my way . But I did get eye contact and that connects, so that was good. As I guided her with my hand on her back for the long six foot walk to the car, I looked up and that’s when I saw it all. Standing around me, almost in a circle were stunned people who felt awkward and bad. Was I the only one who felt this was normal and it was just an annoying issue to deal with, just like any other child issue? I guess so.

I let her tears flow and let her go to her room when we got home. My old parenting thoughts came in as I wanted to take away a privilege or something, but remembered the goal with her was to connect (a bit later when she was calmer) and to let the emotions out.  I did hear her extroverted conversation with herself in Russian for over 30 minutes. Then I heard all the things being rearranged in her drawers (some control for her). Later there wasn’t much noise and I met her in the kitchen, where she asked to eat and I offered her liquid as well. Fuel takes away quite a bit of the problem, but how do you force food and drink into a child who is letting out anger and rage? You don’t. I decided that if she was still angry and wanted to do something like a take a walk or listen to music, she’d have to eat and drink a bit first, and then she could. However, she initiated it on her own!! Yes, I am amazed at how quickly she learns and makes good choices.

Some more interesting physical facts about people who’ve been traumatized or neglected:

If the child is dehydrated (one psychologist says urine that is colored or smells is a sign of dehydration), then the neurons in the brain fire quickly and behavior will be aggressive and/or angry. We have noticed that giving Anya water before any other drink and every two hours (as advised) keeps her very pleasant and even keeled.

The other interesting fact is that children with trauma/neglect in utero or in the first two years of life, have insulin receptor site that didn’t develop properly. So, feeding a child every two hours also keeps them calm and cooperative. There is also a greater ability for them to learn and have fun when they get this fuel on time.

Dave took Anya on a long walk yesterday and they came across a large dead raccoon in the street. Anya was very sad. She cried and was really worried about the raccoon. Dave talked with her through the translator and she calmed down a bit. But 10 minutes later she was really upset again. Ah, the grief monster. She told Scott they needed to go back to the raccoon and pray for it (about a mile away)! We convinced her we could pray from the house, which we did and I asked Dave to use the computer translator and tell her about the people who come and clean the streets and "bury" the dead animals. I drove down that street and back several times that night with Anya and didn’t see the raccoon on the street anywhere. On the way up the road today, in the light, I noticed a big bright red fleece blanket under the nearby trees and a raccoon head sticking out of it. Gotta find another route for awhile…

Anya likes the updated Disney video version of When You Wish Upon a Star from Pinocchio and she was wavering back and forth yesterday singing When you Wish and When you Fish. But today it's a firm When you Fish, eight times for the intro before the old time When you Wish Upon a Star starts. Too funny as she is in her teenager mode singing and dancing along, very cooly I might add, with the video and very intently singing, When You Fish, When you Fish.

~Monica

Charlie Brown Mama.

I just got kicked out of the park by my 12 year old. Yes, my 12 year old daughter who had only been in the country, what-maybe 7 weeks?! She wanted to go on a walk and I questioned her as to where she wanted to go so as not to impose on friends, like the last time when halfway through the walk she wanted to see if my friend was home. So, this time, I called the friend, who was sick, but most of her children had just gone to the park which is five houses away from ours. So, I told Anya and she went to go the park alone, which I told her she couldn’t, so she waited for me to change. Off we went. Three minutes later she is running down the hill at the park calling the kids’ names yelling in Russian/English “Come on! Come on! It’s me! It’s me!”

There I am standing around with Anya and seven other kids who are between 11 and 14 (I know and trust all of them and their parents). Anya looks at me and motions for me to leave. I told her I wasn’t going to just leave and have them babysit her, but they offered to look after her. She adamantly insisted that I look. She began a tirade…He is a kid, she is a kid, I am a kid (all with exaggerated hand motions and in Russian) and you Mama, are NOT. Please you are embarrassing me.

So, dejected I left, walking away like Charlie Brown when he has no friends. She told me to go home and sleep and I thought that might not be a bad idea!! A little sleeping, a little blogging, ahh what’s a Mama to do with all her free time?

Anya’s haircut was a real treat to her. She laughed as Dave got his hair washed, saying he was sleeping when he closed his eyes and she did the same thing when it was her turn. She acted like she was being pampered and walked away with the new phrase, “smells good.” Not the initial chemicals which she “foo, fooed”, but the lotion in her hair. She also loved the whole Happy Birthday thing. Some friends taught her the birthday song the night before and one of them didn’t understand part of what she was saying and asked, “Is that Danish?!” So now she sings Happy Birthday Danish as the last line of the song.

 Enjoying the haircut with her eyes closed here as well.

 Mom, enough with the pictures already.

~Monica

The Patio and "Big" Hair.

My last post ended with me meeting with Anya to calm her down about the squirt gun being taken away and she did get to use it later that night, which is where I found her squirting it into the dog’s ears to clean them out…

Anya loves to be outside, but since most of our yard is fenced and off and locked with multiple locks because there is a pool in it, she can only freely go onto the patio outside the kitchen. She also loves to use the glider when we go into the pool area, so I got the idea in the sunny weather (before all this truly cold [48 degrees mid-morning is cold for Southern California] wet weather) to move the glider to the other patio. She has been seen cuddled under a blanket out there with Chico or eating a bowl of mac-n-cheese. It gives her some independence (even though she seems to think she should be able to walk out the front door around the neighborhood, wherever and whenever she wants-like she had that freedom at the orphanage and we took it away from her?!), which is hard to mete out to a child "from a hard place.” They have the strong independence desires of their age, but haven’t fully developed fully all the other sensory, consequential, concrete and abstract thinking to be able to be safe and act appropriately. So, she seems good with her own yard for now, and yes, she does shut the slider and say, “Bye Mama,” on the way out.

 Anya on the patio with Chico under her right arm.

I forgot to mention my very favorite, most prized Christmas gift. Sorry to all who gave me other gifts but not this one, I’m just callin’ it the way I see it. Out oldest, Greg, gave Dave and me two premiere movie tickets, dinner at the Lazy Dog café and BABYSITTING for the evening! Can you believe it?! Of course, when he was offered a movie ticket from his brother, he told me he’d bring Anya and sit her next to me so I could answer all her questions…

Wanting desperately to dye my hair before Christmas (always a bad idea when I do it alone, I have touched up the wall paint so many times due to my sloppiness), I dug through the DVD drawer and found Milo and Otis, which I had picked up at Target for $5 before we got Anya, mainly because there is a Pug in it. Well, as a side note, even I was mesmerized at how it was filmed and by what they did to the animals to film it-and by mesmerized, I don’t mean in a good way. Anyway, since there was a Pug and it had talking animals, Anya watched it for a good hour. She normally doesn’t watch much of anything, both by our choice and hers, so this was amazing. I did get my hair dyed and she wasn’t too sure what I was up to while my hair was dying and all gooey.

A few nights later, after her bath when her hair was all full and more bushy than normal, she felt the back of her head and insisted I feel it too. “Mama, bolshoy (big) hair. Look, bolshoy!” She was so delighted that it is growing. So I asked her in our own pigeon Russian/English how long she wanted it to grow. She stopped, cocked her head to the side, thought and thought and put her hand around her shoulder. You could tell that she honestly never thought about it before, I’m guessing because it wasn’t an option until now. She showed me how long her bangs were and I told her with hand motions that we’d get it cut and she asked me to do it tomorrow. Well, I have several friends, relatives and children (go ahead, post the comments) that can testify that I shouldn’t be the one cutting her hair and her bangs especially. She’d come out of it with a worse haircut. I told her that she and Papa would go to a “hair store” and they would get their haircuts. Through the translator we let her know that the back was pretty uneven so the stylist would have to trim a bit so it will grow out beautifully. I didn’t want her to freak out if the stylist moved to the back or sides of her head, away from the bangs. And I’m no stylist, but I assume there will be some side trimming to make the 4” bangs blend with the 1.5” rest of the head. So, tomorrow, which is also Papa’s “Happy Birthday!”, will be the big haircut day and someone is very excited. Oh, and Anya is too.

The same night we talked about the hair and its upcoming cut, Anya was looking at my arms (I am like a hairless wonder on my arms and legs) and she insisted that I must shave them (more hand motions). Now, I know people do, but I had the hardest time convincing her that I don’t.

Anya just got a special treat. She was able to spend the night at our translator’s home with her sister and mom. The two sisters were both adopted five years ago and have been in Anya’s shoes before. Anya was great for the afternoon and evening, but had a really hard time in the morning, when she needed to leave them. We were told transitions are really hard for adopted children. She has so much sadness and it leaks out every two weeks or so. The training and information I gleaned before adopting Anya explains something that makes so much sense.

• If a child is acting crazy, then they are afraid.
• If a child is acting angry, then they are sad.

That’s it. It is not really about the actual behavior, just about the fear or sadness. The behavior is just behavior, not to be seen as bad. So, the point is to deal with the fear or sadness. We let Anya cry and be angry and let her know it is okay and good for her because all that sadness has to go somewhere in order for her heal. Without the healing from the grief, she will never be able to attach properly.  

I have been empathetically wired to take on people’s emotions easily and extreme sadness doesn’t bother me and hardly phases me. I sometimes cry a bit along with Anya because of it, which I guess is good because the aim of raising a child “from a hard place” is to connect with them. If parents are constantly correcting their child’s crazy and angry behavior, then connection isn’t happening. It’s really hard when you have something to do or somewhere to be, but somehow Dave and I have been able to get creative and figure out solutions that are connecting, which calms Anya down and eventually, we can get on with whatever it was we were aiming to do. I am so glad we made the hard choices we did in order to have me stay home with her-I do not know how people with full time jobs and younger children do this!!

I have an appointment scheduled with an Occupational Therapist who can help locate the developmental “gaps” in Anya’s wiring and work with her to regrow them. After telling her our story and Anya’s background, she told me, “You have your work cut out for you.” The developmental psychologist who put on the seminar I attended in the fall heard Anya’s story and said, “I sure wouldn’t want to be in your shoes! She will have profound sadness.” What is it with these people?! Ever heard of encouragement?? I guess that’s why I don’t find our situation that hard. I am expecting the absolute worst case scenario, such as killing the family pet, setting fires or threatening parents with butcher knives, so anything better than that is just grand as far as I’m concerned!

Dave and I need to slow her down and get her along to bed for her big day tomorrow. Off to connect while at the same time get the child in bed…

~Monica